It's hard to describe the impact lack of sleep has on you. It's not the tiredness...I've grow used to that (I've aged about ten years in the last twelve months!) It's the emotional impact it has on you. I've tried my best not to over exaggerate it but I've reached a point of despair. You lie in bed (or on the sofa/spare bed/hallway where ever really) and you feel as if you're the only person left awake in the world. I can't even imagine now what it must be like to lie down in bed and to fall asleep. Bliss.
So I'm at home this afternoon. Sitting on the sofa wondering if tonight will be a good night or a bad night? Will I be asleep at 1130pm or 5am? Will I stay awake all night listening to the sound of the fridge or getting annoyed with how loud my heart beats as I get more and more wound up. Will I miraculously fall asleep straight away only to be woken up 5 minutes later by a car beeping its horn sentencing me to another night awake? But also remembering that it's just insomnia. It's just staying awake. It's not worrying about whether a loved one will come home from Afghanistan or the fear of a friend worrying her cancer has returned.
One of the exercises a hypnotherapist taught me (that didn't work either!!) is to picture a happy place. My happy place is on Scilly on a warm summers day. I'm back at a time in my life where I spent my summer making cakes for the Fraggle Rock cafe. I made rock buns all the time because they taste yummy and can be made in about 5 minutes. Now the smell of cinnamon and burnt orange is wafting around my kitchen and I'm feeling a little more relaxed.........
Fraggle Rock Buns....
8oz self raising flour
1tsp mixed spice
3oz caster sugar
5oz mixed fruit
Put the flour and the mixed spice into a bowl and rub in the butter. Once it looks like a crumble mix. Add the eggs and sugar and mix with your hands until it looks a bit like a dough.
Preheat the oven to 160C/325F/gas mark 3 and line two small baking trays. Spoon rough teapoons on to the baking trays. Bake in the oven for ten to fifteen minutes and serve with butter.